England: Landing in a Cliché

If it were a script, Hollywood would probably reject Tom and Jim's account of their time in England as way too cliché.  

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FADE IN

EXT. LONDON GATWICK AIRPORT – NIGHT

Thick fog as Pan Am Flight 100 lands at Gatwick.
Tom and Jim (T&J) struggle with their overpacked backpacks as they disembark.

EXT. MOTORWAY TO CAMBRIDGESHIRE – NIGHT

The fog only gets thicker as they make their way to Hilton—the village in Cambridgeshire, not the hotel. Jim’s oldest brother, Rick, drives. His wife, Sheryl, rides shotgun. T&J sit in the back. Jim white-knuckles his seat during the 75-mile trip on the “wrong” side of the road as huge trucks—

SHERYL (Voiceover, Texas accent)

They’re called lorries. 

—suddenly emerge from the fog like ocean freighters bearing down on a dinghy. Tom peppers Rick and Sheryl with questions. Jim closes his eyes and prays that his brother is as skilled a driver as he is an RF-4 Phantom pilot.

EXT. RICK AND SHERYL’S HOUSE – EXT.

They arrive safely at the off-base house, but the fog is so dense that anyone would be forgiven for thinking that they had arrived at the only standing structure for miles around.

EXT. VILLAGE OF HILTON – EARLY MORNING 

(Cue chirping birds.)

The fog lifts to reveal a winding road lined with cottage-style homes. Exposed brickwork. Timber framing. Pitched roofs. Tudors everywhere. A thatched roof or two. Gardens full of boxwood and newly sprouted bulbs. Smoke curls from chimneys, thanks to the October chill. An OLDER WOMAN rides by on an old-fashioned bicycle. Head wrapped in a heavy scarf. Dark woolen skirt, thick gray stockings, no-nonsense black shoes. Bicycle basket filled with lilies. 

TOM (V.O.)

Or was that in France, later? And a baguette in the basket instead of flowers? Doesn’t matter. We were in quintessential England.

EXT. VILLAGE OF HILTON – VARIOUS SHOTS

• ARIEL PAN reveals the green spaces, parks, and countryside views.
• CLOSE UP on the Church of St. Mary Magdalene, built in the fifteenth century.
• PAN OUT to reveal Village Green and the Hilton Maze

TOM (reading brochure)

The maze was created for fertility rites… or penitential rituals… or recreation. Cut back in 1660 by William Sparrow. The village of Hilton was mentioned in the Domesday Book in 1086.

JIM (staring skyward, doing mental math)

Let’s see. 1977 minus 1086… that’s… um… about… a long time ago.

MONTAGE:

• Tom admiring well-kept lawns—oops, gardens—and engaging in highly animated conversations with the owners.
• T&J in the even more storybook English village of Wadenhoe,  talking to a couple of young kids on bikes who turn the tables on Tom by peppering him with questions about America.
• Sheryl guiding T&J through an ancient, drafty church, pointing out various engraved memorials used for brass rubbings—several of which hang in their home even today.
• Rick and Jim drinking warm beer in the Prince of Wales pub. Tom at the bar, engaging others in highly animated conversation.

INT. LOCAL PUB – NIGHT

Rick opens his personal set of darts, de rigueur for any reputable pub patron.

JUMP CUT:

Jim throws. The dart sails wide. LOCALS burst into laughter.

INT. RICK AND SHERYL’S DINING ROOM – NIGHT.

Around the table: Rick, Sheryl, Tom, Jim, Kevin (5), and Colin (3).

KEVIN (V.O. British accent, sounding professorial)

Mummy, please pass the peas.

COLIN (V.O. British accent, sounding like the three-year-old he was)

I need to go to the loo.

RICK (V.O. Midwest accent)

They'll lose those accents soon after hitting an American playground.

EXT. HUNTINGDON STATION – MORNING

T&J are two lone backpackers among commuters dressed properly for the office, waiting politely in line—

SHERYL (V.O. Texas accent)

Bless your heart--they’re called queues. 

—for the train to London. Tom’s backpack appears 20 pounds lighter. Soon, he will be down to two shirts, a pair of shorts, jeans, and three pairs of boxers. Jim will eventually follow suit, although he will have trouble parting with his 10-day supply of underwear.

BEGIN FADE

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Cliché… but true—just the way most things become cliché.

FADE OUT

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And now for the NOW: Reflections on "Landing in a Cliché."

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